He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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