Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
