he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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