my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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