There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
