so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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