if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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