How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
