I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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