we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
