i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
