Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
