I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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