you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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