Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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