Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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