your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
