I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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