the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
