I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
