if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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