to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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