Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
