I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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