Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You have to summon your inner elephant
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
