new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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