Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
