Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
