great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
