I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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