My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
