Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
