just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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