On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
