True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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