he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
