i think i have two assholes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
