Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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