I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
