"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
