I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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