my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
