She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
