I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
