just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
