Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
