Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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