why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
