he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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