I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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