there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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